29 October 2014. I wanted to write a story, but words remain grey today. Not just today. For three years already. Three years?! Time flies, as they say. It is true and it’s OK. Time has flown. My grieve is still there. Sometimes it floats in my mind, sometimes it swirls down my face, but sometimes it hits me so hard, pushes me on the ground and let me lie there, motionless for a few moments. That too is OK. You breathe and live in me. My world stood still for a long time, but the world around me keeps on turning. Don’t you all see that my mother is no longer there? That was incomprehensible. For a while. But you don’t have to fight anymore, and we do not have to witness your fight anymore. Despite that you could fight so hard, so full of perseverance and love. Life was unfair for a while, but I picked up the thread again. And even though this thread became much thinner, I feel happy. Despite all that I have been through. I’m grateful that I’ve had such a wonderful mother. Even though I would like to cry sometimes and want to grab your hand every day, I feel it resting on my shoulder when needed. Though it still feels as if I can call you sometimes. Or that you suddenly are standing next to me in the living room. Just how it used to be. Sometimes I have my phone in my hand already, even after three years of no one picking up. The sadness remains, but changes of color. In spite of everything, I still think life is beautiful. Just like you did. Maybe I find it even more beautiful now I know how fragile it can be. I hope you can see how I give my life color. How I fill my days and hang up all flags, how I dream like a small child but chase them with your great perseverance and how it scares me sometimes how much I recognize myself in you. I hope you can see that I’ve become a bit older. That you will see who stands next to me, because I like to tell him all about you. Have you seen that I have lit a wish balloon for you in Asia? There was a note too. I hope you are able to see that I discove the world gradually, pick all the flowers, because I always take you along. You knew this was my dream, and I made that dream come true. I miss you but I pick days and dreams, and hope that you will see all of that. I believe you do.
My dear mom died on 29 October 2011.